i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
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Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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