In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
