i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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