dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
