sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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