You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
