If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
