You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i think my cat just said my name.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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