the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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