i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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