I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
