drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
In America we eat man semen.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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