My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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