He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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