At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
