as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
