My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
