Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
