You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
