Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
