Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
