Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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