My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
