you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
