She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
