We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
