the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
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he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
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I want to fling myself into the sun
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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