my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize