If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
