Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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