He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
