just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
