11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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