i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Randomize
