it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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