yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
