I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
