Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
