I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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