now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
