you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
