found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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