tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
