Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
