Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
