So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
