Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
