david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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