made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
