The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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