i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
