Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
