Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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