so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
