You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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