Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
