Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
