i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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