I faked an abortion last night.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
