did you get engaged???
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
